thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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