We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you win again, gameday.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
