She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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