Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
