I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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