Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
