planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
