If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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