we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
His nipple licking is glorious
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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