so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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