who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
