she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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