So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize