I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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