Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
