I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
