Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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