last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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