hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
