You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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