I feel great
I just peed on a car
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
