yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
