i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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