proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
