Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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