Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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