got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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