If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
