Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
