I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
