Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
