Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
