We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
