he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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