I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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