Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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