Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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