We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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