Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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