girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize