don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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