I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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