Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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