there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
