I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
