he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just had sex on a roof
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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