Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There's always time for handjobs
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
