Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
