I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
im holly from the hills drunk
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
