i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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