i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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