I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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