My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
