my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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