It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
