You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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