She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
