He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
