No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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