o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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