She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
